The key to mentorship relationships: You're in charge
Recently I've been asked a question about mentorship that I thought was worth writing about: “I've known from others that you've been a good mentor so maybe you can help me. I haven't had good experiences with mentorship relationships. Many times the relationship falls through the cracks, or is not fruitful enough. Maybe I haven't been lucky? How do I find the right mentor that can help me?"
Having been on both sides of this equation — with many experiences with great mentors, as well as being a mentor to others — time and again I've seen the secret sauce for great mentorship relationships to be about internal locus of control.
What is "internal locus of control"?
Internal locus of control is the idea of believing that oneself is in control of situations, as opposed to the feeling of being a victim of happenings in the world around them, or simply believing that things are beyond their control.
Here's a simple example. Let's say someone arrived late to a meeting. A person that acts with external locus of control makes excuses, and says they are sorry because the traffic was bad, or whatever reason that is outside of their control. A person that acts with internal locus of control on the other hand will "own it", believing that it's their fault for not leaving home early enough, or not being prepared enough for eventual traffic adversities that could occur, and so forth. The fact that both were late doesn't change. But the difference between the internal and external mindset is drastic.
If you go back to the question I was asked, do you see how the person wonders if the reason why they haven't been successful with mentorships is about luck? They don't believe they are responsible. The question clearly implies an external locus of control mentality, which is what made me write this (with their consent, and keeping things anonymous, of course).
But how does the internal locus of control mindset have anything to do with mentorship?
It has everything to do with mentorship. Or maybe the other way around is more clear — mentorship requires internal locus of control.
In my experience, mentorship is way more (or at least as much) about one being a good mentee than about the mentor. From knowing what you are looking for to finding the right mentor, making the most out of the interactions and everything in between, the mentee who feels and acts in charge — that is, with internal locus of control — gets the most out of these relationships.
For starters, a good mentee knows what they are looking for. Because they know what they want, they have much better chances of finding someone that can help them with that. There's this notion that it needs to be an executive, someone more senior, higher in the ranks, but that's not true. When I started training for triathlons, for example, one of my mentors was way younger than me, but still a subject-matter expert in the exact area I wanted to learn more about. My mentorship relationship (in this case as a mentee) started with introspection to know what I was after, and when I got that clarity, I was able to find someone that taught me endurance/long-distance swimming (which can be rather different than regular swimming and I had no idea, but that's for another time).
Finding the right mentor is also on the mentee. Because you are the person that knows what you're after, and also the most interested, it only makes sense that you're in charge. While you may (and hopefully will!) get help, ultimately as a mentee you are in the best position to find the person that matches what you’re looking for — it will typically be someone that knows what you need to learn, and ideally someone that you respect, that resonates with you, whose communication and style work for you, that you look up to and/or that you feel has something to contribute to your cause.
Once you find that match, you're also in charge to leverage the mentorship relationship well. Think in advance, reflect, have great questions, bring topics, be interested, and most important, don't be entitled that you deserve their time. Having talked to many mentors, as well as being a mentor myself, I know that most (if not all) love these relationships, and also learn a lot while helping others out. That said, if mentees don't put the effort, it becomes a waste of everybody's time pretty quickly. Many times mentors are really busy and the lack of preparation and engagement results in the relationship falling through the cracks — like the initial question pointed out. Finally on this point, as I found in this nice article about mentorship (which I recommend you read in its entirety), "it’s important to remember your mentor is a volunteer — they have more experience in the field, and they are taking time out of their schedule to help you develop and grow […] which means as a good mentee, you should be aware of and minimize time wasters that occur during your meetings".
In conclusion, when it comes to mentorships, my experience is that attitude wins over method. Be hungry, be curious, be interested and be in charge, and that I've seen is a sure way to win a mentor's heart.
